Live Out of the Box

My college did an experimental stress interview wherein they took a couple of students, deprived them of sleep for two nights and subjected them to intense questioning. The purpose: see if they can maintain their temper.

WTF?!

It so happens that this brilliant idea was concocted by no other than a military man who’s presently a staff member from the Student Development Office.

I must firmly put my foot down and protest to this using of human beings (students no less) as test subjects for Student Development (what’s wrong with this picture?). All for a silly purpose of just testing if they can blow their top off easily.

No wonder China is criticized for its human rights policies. It’s even happening in schools.

This has happened to me before. I was deprived of sleep for one night on my own volition. I was cramming to finish a play for my Drama course due the next day and could only catch a few minutes of winks. The result? I ended up going 100% Freudian slip of the tongue. My subconsciousness took over my personality and it was terrifying. I was suspended in a state of unawareness and from time to time would drift between the waking world and the dream world. It got to the point where I couldn’t differentiate between the two. Long story short, I told the people in the class that if they didn’t understand my work (we were having our plays criticized) then they weren’t intellectual enough. I got a standing ovation from the few smart students and utmost scowls from the dumdums in the crowd, especially at the exact moment when I ‘hinted’ they were stupid.

To any student in the world, if you are subjected to this kind of experiment (please God, I hope not), don’t stand for it! As that magical moment comes when your consciousness is switched off and your subconsciousness takes over, just open your mouth and the truth shall set you free.

It’s only writing that drives me up the wall. That makes me have a love and hate relationship with it. That puts me into a cold miserable vortex of depression.

The way I’ve been feeling these days, I should be on drugs.

At first I thought it must be because of hormones. These dormant insecure emotions I didn’t know to possess are released by a simple internal body change. I want to press the Forward button hard and be at the scene where I’ve already accomplished my goal. I feel frustrated at where I am right now –at the START part of the board game. I fee like rushing with a bang and publishing tons of articles and short stories at once and burn myself out. I look at my recent accomplishments and sneer at how puny and puerile they are. There’s a sinking feeling in my chest. Who am I kidding right? And suddenly I don’t want to do the hard work anymore. Reality comes hard and fast and harsh. There is an intense pull for me to resign this writing project and go back to my day job.

I’m sure many of us have these days when we’re chasing our dreams. The sudden reality check. A monstrous voice that shouts, "What the fuck are you doing? Get your head out of the clouds." Remember this is just a phase. A moment like this will be gone. Wallow yourself in in and release it like I have by journaling and channeling these pent-up emotions into words. They are nothing but insecurities being voiced out by little selves. "Are you sure?" they finally whisper after crying and banging out to your psyche.

And the calm, strong you that you never thought you possess will say, "Yes, I am. We can get through this. We can make this work."

Because even if you give up, your passion will always be a part of you. It’s who you are. It is who you are meant to be .

· I’ve written a couple of posts now on the blog and getting into the flow of writing daily.

· I’ve visualized becoming a writer –actually acting like one. Music and props (a hardcover book, pen, paper and PC) help a lot with this visualization exercise.

· I’ve created a list of writing assignments I’m going to do for two weeks in table format and posted it on the wall in front of my desk.

· Made a list of writing goals I’m going to slowly accomplish.

· Found a site that lists magazines that accept short stories in U.K. (http://www.theshortstory.org.uk/writers/)

· Had a great idea of writing for an array of different topics so that if I get to show my portfolio, they’d see I’m flexible and can do a wide range and and different styles from fiction to nonfiction.

Now as a starting writer, I don’t know where to find and carve my niche. Throw me anywhere and I can adapt. I’ll even chew on paper as long as I can get to write.

Practical says copywriting and advertising.

Passion says fiction.

And if I adhere to the ‘ready fire aim’ instead of ‘ready aim fire’ approach, I’ll definitely choose fiction.

Then I’ll do copywriting and advertising later.

It’ll probably take me 2-5 years before I can even break in but who cares? I’m doing what I love.

I was watching the news about the recent outbreak of protests on Tibet on the 2008 Olympic torch relay ceremonies in Australia, U.K. and France when a commercial was abruptly inserted in the middle of broadcast.

Booooooooo!!!

It is very infuriating to be living in China where they do these kinds of things. It obviously shows the government is trying to hide something by manipulating the media.

It’s crucial times now for China as the Olympics is looming closer. It is an event that will decide the fate of this country’s future.

I am glad at least not everything was covered up and the Chinese know partially what’s going on in the world. A thick wave of depression clouds some of the students in my class concerning the recent matters.

"It’s us against the world," sighs one. "BBC is biased," one grumbles. "How can they know what’s going on in this country when they don’t live here?" "It’s a total mess," one said. "Us, Taiwan, Tibet and even the Muslim region of Xinjiang."

"Yes," I said. "But let’s not forget the food crises going on in the world today and thousands of poor Asians and Africans starving."

But they didn’t pay attention to me. What can a dumb foreigner know anyway? Why should they worry about that? They still have plenty of rice while the rest of the world starves.